back up in dobbs ferry again, getting in some babysitting hours. spent several hours on a cousin-induced gilmore girls marathon. i admit to being a bad person.

the weekend was a bit of a roller coaster. friday night was dinner with the family at inside to celebrate rosh hashana, all of which was nice. saturday was the big dinner at the apartment; my dad invited a round dozen friends from his camp days over; bernie had some friends over. i was preparing to be on my lonesome until i got a call the day of from bronnie, saying that she was coming with simone, which turned out to be a total salvation. sam also showed up after the main festivities, and there were many glasses of wine and beers dispatched, including some on a humid but pleasant rooftop. there was a nice awkward moment at the beginning of dinner when, my dad offering up his usual round of toasts to everyone assembled, anna pitched in "to charlie's new job!" of course, the job she was referring to was my work with kaplan, which, while it will technically result in money sooner or later, has not yet done so, and will probably not be a large enough presence in my life to be a "real job."

sunday was just plain bad. during the cleanup the next morning, i mentioned that i had an interview for a part time job at my aunt's yoga institute in chelsea, but that i was probably not going to take it, because the pay was too low. before i knew it, both my parents and i were sitting at the dining room table having a long drawn out discussion where, once again, i defended my choices for this year, my ambitions for the future, etc. my parents apparently hadn't spoken since my dad and i had started fleshing out the "get a part-time job and write" plan, and so my mom has decided that what i need is a full time job.

it was hard for me to jump in immediately to fend off her advances, because i have been feeling a little sluggish lately, and i do want to get working. however, one thing i know to be true is that if i'm working full time, there will be no writing whatsoever, unless the full time job is as, well, you know, a writer. anyway, the point is, the whole reason i'm living at home is because i'm trying to do something that's financially untenable, something that would not allow me to support myself. now, my parents are in this weird position where, my mom still not having figured out her work situation, they're going to have to consider moving into nyu housing in the next few months, as they can't really afford our current place on a humanities professor's salary. so... it may turn out that in a month or two, there is no longer a place for me to stay there. not in the "we're kicking you out" sense, but in the "well, we can fold out the couch for you" sense. and if it does become necessary for me to pay rent, support myself, etc., i'm fine with that, but, and i hope i don't hurt anyone's feelings saying this, i'm highly skeptical of doing so in new york. one thing that all my various friends who got their own apartments in new york have demonstrated to me is that the people who are living on their own in new york really want to be in new york. it takes a lot of energy, stamina, etc. to make new york work; it takes a lot of cost-cutting, a lot of hard work, and though i love this city dearly, i don't love it so much that i want to be working my ass off at a job i don't even really want, simply so that i can be here. i can almost feel myself developing a love-hate relationship with new york, loving the parts of it that are unique and exciting and totally seductive and inspiring and hating the parts that are difficult and cold and expensive. but maybe that's part of it, the love hate. that's what loving new york is, is hating it a little bit, too. who knows.

now the most difficult decision i face at the moment is whether to get on the train at 12:20 and go back into the city, or to take my uncle up on his offer to drive me in the morning. but maybe i've already answered my own question. i can't really stay away, can i?

is it weird to get excited about rejection? someone from lost just called me to tell me, once again, that they are not participating in that writer training program (although she said "this year," which suggests that maybe they had one last year? lucky bastard, whoever it was). however, i was watching an episode of lost when it happened, so i got exciting. i mean, i'm a little disappointed, sure, but at the same time, i never really thought it was going to happen. and at least they're interested enough to reject over the phone (as opposed to... by just ignoring me?).

anyway. i saw the black dahlia today. ambitious but confusing as hell... whether josh hartnett can carry a movie on his own is debatable, which doesn't speak well for him since i just saw a movie that he was supposably carrying.

that's how fascinating my life is. boy howdy.

so, does me thinking about getting netflix merely because the fourth season of buffy and sixth season of gilmore girls aren't available for illegal download make me a bad person? whoa, do i have too much time on my hands, or what?

today, actually, i didn't have so much time. last night our router went nuts and, in attempting to fix it, i managed to be up till 4 in the morning for no good reason (i still have not yet fixed the damn thing). unfortunately, i had to go up to dobbs ferry to finish some painting stuff, which i did, but it didn't make it up there until noon. once there, of course, i was very productive... there was even a moment when i was helping my cousin isabel with her english grammar homework in person, and then helping anna over the phone with her spanish homework. i believe "multi-tasking" is the word you're looking for.

i got offerred an interview today. nothing major; its the job of office assistant at my aunt's yoga institute. unfortunately, it only pays $10/hr, which, i think, sadly, isn't enough. not that office assistants should be paid tons of money, but it sounds like a job more for a college student then someone who might be someday soon striking out on his own. i'll probably go interview for it anyway (why?), though before i may need coaching on how to be good at an interview for a job you don't really plan on taking... er.

in other potential part-time job news, an old paper buddy of mine has clued me into her magazine's need for a layout artist... it's not really what i used to do, but it's done with the same tools, so i figure i can at least throw my hat in the ring. it's a little strange, because i have to assemble all of my previous work, most of which happened during the clinton administration, though there is some bush-era stuff. oy vey.

anyway. i need to go to bed. thanks for listening, folks.

so. its kind of amazing how busy you can find yourself when you don't have anything to do. granted, i'm not so busy right now that i couldn't sit down to write this, but... well, i guess you might know what i mean, somewhat. today i biked all over the west side, from the house to battery park city (to drop off anna's lunch, which she forgot at home, although i later learned it was an "extra" lunch and she'd had hers all along... great) up to 23rd street to best buy to cash in a gift certificate, and then back down to teh house. okay, so really not that busy. but... well, whatev.

anyway. i guess what it is is that certain things seem to be conflicting, and because of that, i let myself get stressed out. for instance, in two (or three?) weekends, i signed up to work at a photo show my dad's friend puts on (some of you may remember it from my very exciting fall '04 semester), only to learn that the family's going to a wedding that weekend... i don't know how i got it so wrong, but i did.

all right. whatever steam i had for writing when i sat down has dissapated. i'll have to holla back at ch'yall later.

oh, ps. yesterday i had a very big first: first time driving a stick shift in manhattan! and i didn't crash or nothing! it was exciting. ok, i'm done.

so, i was asked by a nice, little crippled girl (just kidding, she just had shoulder surgery, put away the goddamn hankies) to update my blog, and who am i to deny a disabled person what she wants? nobody, that's who.

anyway. i've borrowed bernie's id again to break into the nyu computer lab. i'm pursuing what i'm sure is the thankless task of following up on my shoot-the-moon writer's training program applications. like i said, there will most likely be no outcome, but i'll probably feel slightly better if i get these off and then fail in a comprehensive kind of way, at least on that front.

in other news, things are still luciously up in the air. i've consulted all the wise people i know for perspective, and even some not-so-wise people, and it still is looking like it's going to be up to me to make some sort of executive decision about all this. great. i love being executive. (more of an executive transvestite). actually, i'm supposed to get in touch with the long island people again today, so, we'll see if anything happens there. i haven't decided what i'll do if they offer me the job. ugh. i mean, i guess i'd prefer to be offered the job than forgotten about. anyway. i'm blithering.

i went to a wedding on saturday in new haven. the ceremony was held next to a lighthouse, and the reception was held next to an actual, honest-to-god carousel. it was pretty sweet. i went with sarah pearce, who ventured all the way down from ithaca (and we know how frickin' far away that is) and then up again to new haven for it, and invited me along. as some of you may know, i had recently purchased a new suit for a very good price, so the thought of being able to use said suit again was kind of exciting. okay really exciting. yes, i'm a nerd, and a little bit of a gay too. oy.

so, quick aside: there are a lot of good looking guys in this computer lab. i secretly feel like a letch, because i guess at the outside some of thsee kids could be as young as 17(???) but on the other hand, i need to pretend like i'm a grad student. there we go. god, i miss college, if only for the extensive sample of guys. gaddamit.

another aside: i've noticed that today's nyu student is a lot more likely to wear nyu gear. i've seen hats, shirts, sweatshirts, pants, etc., and i feel bad that the tradition apathy seems to be on the decline. there's no such thing as school spirit when it comes to nyu, unless you count the unified efforts to care about everything but the institution (classes, internships, bands, etc). anyway. i need to calm down. it's out of my hands now.

anyway, the wedding was pretty cool. if i get to have a wedding someday (i should be so lucky) and i convince my mom that i don't need to have it in a synagogue, that's the kind of wedding i'd like. outside, in the air, lots of light and sun. the carousel was prett sweet. oh, and there was a chocolate fountain. so, top that.

all right, well, i guess its time to start being productive. sorry it took me so long to obey your orders of updating, sarah. here's to all the shoulders in the world.

i think it's bad when i start yearning for the mundane...

so. things are getting more complicated. yay.

i don't know if i mentioned it, but my dad recently mentioned that he has an old college acquaintance who's a higher-up (well, actually, the highest-up) at a television network... anyway, though i'm still hoping this long island thing comes through, i thought it would be a good idea to see if my dad could make out anything from this network guy.

another thing that's been happening is my parents weird lack of support for my current plans, which is only strange because they hardly ever do this. i don't know if it's a me being a "grown up" thing, or me being home and not in school, or what, but they've done all but come out and say "charlie, we think you're making a huge mistake." which, i guess if that's how they feel, fine, but good god, the negativity is driving me absolutely up the walls!

anyway, so i prevail upon my dad to call the guy, which he does. of course, i only hear about the conversation second hand; i neither participated in it nor witnessed it, so everything that happened was recounted to me by my dad. basically, this guy, this big-shot tv guy says that i should screw the idea of a 18-hour a day job, and instead, get together a really top-notch writing portfolio. then he says that he will look at any work i have, but that it's a one-shot kind of thing.

of course, this flies almost directly in the face of what mary has been telling me; i even e-mailed her to ask for her perspective on it, and she said things like "he's speaking from an ivory tower," and "is this guy in any position to actually help you?" which funnily enough was the same question that my parents have been asking me about mary.

somehow, the whole thing seems incredibly ugly. nothing ugly has actually happened but... groan. somewhere in there i feel like i understand the statement that you have to really want it to make it in this business... i'm not even out of the starting gate and i'm already having fantastic visions of giving up. i'm not going to, not yet, but the visions are definitely there.

another factor to this is that mary has informed me that the long island people are still waiting around to get picked up, and probably won't be hiring for a while, which is something i'd rather not have to discuss with my parents. of course, now, my dad's suggestion is that i might think about taking a few months and getting a part time job and just writing, which has all sorts of romantic, bohemian possibilities... but at the same time, is very very different from what my most recently revised plan was.

there's more bitching and moaning to be done, but not tonight. i'm exhausted. i had a busy day that involved painting a hallway in westchester and teaching an sat class on the uws... somehow that did me in. anyway. chew on this for a while. i'll be back.

so, i'm 23. i've tried this out on about sixty different people, and it's been pretty well recieved: 23 is one of the first birthdays that signify nothing other than "you're getting older." 16: you're fucking 16, and sometimes you get a driver's license; 17: rated r movies; 18: cigarettes and porn (and voting); 19: you're as old as you can be and still be a teenager; 20: you're fucking 20; 21: booze booze booze; 22: multiple of 11... 23 is just oldness. bernie pointed out that 23 is a prime number, and the first prime number since 19, which was a good four years ago. but yeah. one might even say i've entered my early-mid 20s. gross. and i've got a whole lot of fuck-all to show for it.

whoa, whoa, whoa... bad line of thought. c'mon. let's be reasonable here. or pretend to be.

i'm unemployed, single, and living with my parents.

hey! reasonable, remember?

i'm heading out to shea stadium in a minute. i had had original birthday designs on a birthday game friday night, but my parents had gone ahead and invited the entire family over for a dinner. which was fine, but then i changed the game day (to today) and none of my friends currently in nyc could make it. however, my aunt julie, with whom i'd shared my plans, didn't know this, and got me for my birthday four tickets to today's game. so, now i'm going with my dad, mom and anna, which will be fun, but it allows me to indulge the fallacious idea that i have no friends.

no money, no friends.

anyway, i told people to come to the roof for sunset tonight, so we'll see who shows. it's more or less people trying out for my affections. i'm thinking the no-shows are on a one-way street to friendship cancellation... heh heh heh. not really. i'm not that vindictive.

i guess a small update of the state of things is in order... the people on long island are still figuring stuff out, and are "not yet hiring." my uncle wants me to come up to westchester to help him do stuff on his house. like, human labor type stuff. i have no doubt that he will compensate me well, but the idea of laboring is clashing harshly with my white-collar upbringing. ask me whether i'd rather clear a yard of fallen branches from tropical storm ernesto (do tropical storms get italicized? apparently...) or transcribe a two-and-a-half hour meeting on the current budget of some company i'm temping for, i'd probably go for the touch-typing. is it laziness? fear of actual man's work? probably.

well. perhaps that will do it for now. having now made it through what i can only describe as a surreal birthday, perhaps i'll be able to... i don't know. fucking write, or something.

ps. my parents, whom i love dearly, performed fantastically their tradition of getting me a perfectly lovely gift which i fear i may never use: a heavy gold chain necklace. not like mr. t or anything, but fast approaching. slightly less thick than an mac laptop power cable (the thinner one), the thing makes me think i'm tony soprano, or at the very least, one of his underlings. this, in combination with the leather jacket they got me a few hannukah's ago (or was it a birthday... it's hard to remember) will help me complete my thuggish drug-dealer ensemble... finally.